I want to quote part of a comment we received on the “How I became a dominant man” post.
“I hope that you share some details of how the conversation goes, I find what you both share to be intelligent, caring and informative… This is such a real-life relationship and we appreciate your opening yourselves up the way you both do.”
Amy didn’t like the idea of being disposable.
She thinks it is hot.
She doesn’t like it.
I tried to explain the feeling, the idea that I could afford to not take an opportunity to fuck her, for example, because I own her, and I have all the opportunities I could possibly want to fuck her.
She began to compare it to a woman in a singles bar, who doesn’t need to take every offer for sex, because she can have sex whenever she wants. Amy said when she goes to a bar, the last thing she thinks about is getting sex. Which of course the one thing many guys are totally focused on when they go to a bar (or anywhere).
So she began to understand the idea of passing up sex, because you can have it anytime you want.
But she doesn’t want to be taken for granted.
And she talked about being insecure.
We laughed a bit about this.
What does she need to be secure? We just got married, we are working on having a baby…we talked about a host of things that she could think about to make herself feel secure.
Now, Amy is a logical woman. She knows all this. But emotionally?
I think we lost some little bit of connection this past two weeks with some heavy workloads and family cares. Plus the vasectomy reversal surgery sent our sex life and physical connection into an unusual sort of limbo. And when you lose that connection, the first place it shows up is in insecurity. I doubt it would have shown up as insecurity at all, if not for events in our respective pasts.
We have discussed the ways in which we could have held more easily to our connection. I will be firmer with my direction of Amy when telling her what I want. I tend to be too polite, which can fog my true desires. I haven’t been physically aggressive with her as well – hey I’ve got stitches on my balls! I think we both need the rough play, we are used to it with each other, and when it was suddenly cut out we weren’t prepared for the loss of emotional intensity it engendered.
Insecurity comes and goes. We have been together a short time, physically. Three months. Longer online, but physically together, it’s been a short time and we are still learning about each other, and understanding our needs.
I understand Amy’s better now.
She understands mine better.
The only thing I didn’t like about her post was the “Meet the new Boss – same as the old Boss,” theme.
I’m not like her old Boss. I’m not like anyone she’s ever known. It pissed me off to read it, but I know she knows better.
Insecure or secure, happy or unhappy; I own her ass. And every other fucking inch of her.
Whatever problems we have, we settle between us. We talk. We face it. No retreat.
Nobody’s going anywhere.
No apologies either. I don’t want her feeling bad about being emotional.
I’m fucking emotional.
Amy has to be as utterly Amy as possible. I want to know what she loves, what she hates, what she she hungers for, what makes her shudder. It doesn’t matter a fuck if I don’t like what I hear. I want the real Amy.
I want to love the parts that even Amy doesn’t love about herself.
We’ll continue to deal with insecurity, and whatever else we uncover. I’ll continue to use her, throw her on the bed, fuck her, make her cum, or not let her cum, hurt her, pleasure her, all the things I like doing to her. Including treating her like a disposable fuck.
It’s who I am.