Am I a slave?

A year ago, I didn’t know about BDSM.

I had fantasies about being controlled, of being owned. But lots of women have those fantasies. I knew that people have fantasies that they would not really want to happen in real life – like rape fantasies, for example – so I assumed that this was the case with my fantasies. In fact, saying I “assumed” this suggests that I gave it more thought than I actually did. I just masturbated to my fantasies and let it go at that.

It boggles my mind that I am now in a 24/7 D/s relationship. And it’s getting more D/s-ish every day. And sexier.

When Richard and I started talking together online 6 months ago, I had been exploring BDSM online for a couple of months, reading erotica, visiting online communities, checking out blogs, etc. I thought I’d figured things out. I was a bedroom submissive, which meant that I found it erotic to be dominated sexually. Outside the bedroom, I was and expected to continue to be very dominant and outspoken in my work and personal life.

This pattern of submissive in the bedroom and dominant outside seems to be quite common. I’ve seen many online posts and discussions about successful career women who submit only to their romantic partner and only sexually.

I was just thrilled to know that there were men who wanted to dominate me! I had thought, and apparently this is quite a common misconception among submissive women, that everybody *really* wants to be submissive. I assumed I would have to “take turns”, if I were lucky enough to find a partner who was open-minded and willing to experiment in the bedroom. You cannot imagine the thrill I felt when I realized that I could be in a relationship where I got to be the lucky one (ie the submissive) every time!

Anyway. Neither Richard nor I were interested in a Master/slave relationship, each of us for different reasons. In his experience, M/s relationships tended to devolve into the M being a “service top” to the s. In other words, the alleged Master was actually serving the sexual fantasies of the alleged slave. An example of this would be a slave being sassy or disobedient, to manipulate Master into “punishing” her/him in some delicious way. A little of that, as light-hearted roleplay, might be fun. But it’s kind of the antithesis of slavery for the slave to control the relationship dynamic so blatantly, yes?

To me, as I said before, it seemed unrealistic for me to be anything more than a bedroom submissive. Furthermore, I had a lot of trouble with the word “slave”. Slavery really happened, and continues to happen in some parts of the world. It’s not sexy for the real slave. I would NOT want to be a real slave.

In contrast, how I feel about Richard is very real. I love him, I adore him, I worship him, and I feel extremely submissive to him. I want him and only him to control me. I want him and only him to dominate me. I’ve never felt this way about someone before. I don’t want to put a fake label on these very real feelings.

But what kind of name can I put to our relationship? What am I? I am now comfortable saying Richard owns me. But am I a slave?

The word is becoming more and more comfortable to me, as my submission becomes deeper and deeper and as his control over me grows. I wonder… where we’ll end up, who I will be, as the journey continues.

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How can I have a BDSM relationship?

Gosh. I feel like I won the lottery, and how can you give someone tips about how to win the lottery? It’s luck, right? But I’ll try to say a few things that might help. First, if you’re looking for a partner, online makes a LOT of sense, since you can meet so many more people that way. Places to meet kinky people online: alt.com, adultfriendfinder, bondage.com, off the top of my head. I know there are others.

Second, be open and honest but cautious. There are crazies out there and sane people who lie about everything from their age to their marital status. But if you are overly suspicious and play your cards too close to the chest you aren’t going to be able to get close to someone. Even though Richard and I were very honest with each other, we still had several misunderstandings in our first interactions. Cyber is a hard medium to communicate in. But both of us kept coming back to the table to work it out. Which brings me to my third point.

Communicate. Talk about everything. Talk about things you don’t want to talk about. Talk about things you’re embarrassed to talk about. And just as important, listen. Listen to everything, listen to things you don’t want to hear, listen to things that embarrass you. If you already have a partner, and are not sure that they have the same interests, talk to them. You might be surprised. Or you might find something that works for both of you, different from what you originally expected (like what happened with us!)

I would wish for everyone what I have with Richard. Not necessarily D/s, because that is certainly not for everyone. But a partner who you trust your life with, who you would take a bullet for, who makes every day fun and exciting and also safe and warm. I wake up every morning smiling, and Richard wakes up every morning being smiled at. I hope you have that or are on the way to getting it.